As like sometimes, I dint get reply for that. It’s been almost past midnight and I am still waiting for her reply. Even thought I knew that this is common, but somewhere deep in my heart, I always have a small hope that she may reply me and that hope is what driving me forward.
I was not getting sleep for two reasons. On one side, my heart is waiting for her reply and on the other side, my mind is thinking on why she does like that. What might be the reasons behind this? Is it because she doesn’t want to reply purposefully or the situations turn her that way. If she couldn’t reply, then at least she can just send one single message saying that she cannot converse right now. If she does that, then I may not keep waiting for her message and will not get hurt. It really pains a lot when we don’t get something we need after waiting beyond a specific time. Every time when she does this way, I feel like asking her why is she doing this way. But then I will back off. It’s because, she don’t have a reason to reply. What if she just replies like “Why should I reply?” Even though I feel like asking her, I back off thinking about the post reactions.
(Next day morning)
I was in lot of pain that she dint reply and also little bit of anger raged in me on her. I decided to not to talk to her anymore and not to message her any more.
Everyday whenever I walk towards my station, automatically my eyes turn towards her station in search of her. But, that day I had to control a lot to not to look that side. Even though this is being very tough for me, I did it successfully for 2 continuous days. I was controlling myself a lot to not to turn towards her at all. I had to control lot of things that are running in me. I had to control my eyes to not to look at her. I had to control my hands to not to message her. I had to control my mind to not to think about her. But then I realized lately that my heart is not in my control and it is thinking more about her than usual.
I managed myself this way for 2 days. But then I was unable to do it anymore. I started taking a different route towards my station so that I don’t come across her station as I was unable to control them.
I was watching a movie in my hostel room at around 10:30 in the night and all of a sudden I heard a beep. It was my mobile. It received a new message.
It is a message from Vennela. Even though we never talked over a call, most of the times her message uses the word “Hello.”
I immediately started replying her back and then just saved in drafts without sending it to her. The same I had to repeat four days later when I received one more message from her. I did not know what I am doing and why I am doing this way. I used to wait a lot for her reply whenever I send her a message but then now I am purposefully not replying to her messages. I don’t know whether she purposefully do it whenever she don’t reply me. But, now I was doing it purposefully. I am not sure whether this is a right way or not. I don’t know whether its anger on her or on myself. I don’t know whether I am purposefully spoiling a good relation by testing it.
Many times, in a relation we do things to test others just to know how strong the relation is. Some of us do it for fun where as some of us do it in really serious way. As humans, it is quite natural that we want to know how much others trust us or like or love us. And to know that, we do various things. All these things may give us result what we wanted to know but then sometimes this may also do a serious damage to a very strong relation. It is fine to test the relation but then the fact is that. “A relation becomes weaker the more we try to test the strength of it.”
It’s been exactly two weeks that I haven’t talked with her, looked at her or had a conversation with her. This is the first time in the last 1 year. As it is Friday, I was as usual working on my N2N backup. I don’t know why but this is becoming a problem every week. It started troubling and the process is not running usual way. Today it is worse, it failed completely. I was working so hard to find out the reason but then I am not able to do so. It is irritating me a lot. I was receiving mails from my Team Lead asking me the status. After the usual time, he started calling me to my mobile to know the status. I dint attend it during the first 2 calls. But then I attended it third time.
“Hey Prudhvi. What’s happening?”
“I am working on it Raghav. I am not able to find out the issue.”
“What? You have to tell me this before. What should I update to the clients now?”
“Raghav. I am working on it.”
“No Prudhvi. Don’t tell me all this. I want the result in the next one hour. I will call you at 07:00 PM”
All my attention is towards finding the issue. After 30 mins, I received a message from Raghav.
“Prudhvi. Send me a status mail in next 30 mins.”
I dint reply to that as fixing the issues is my first priority. As I was working towards it, I heard my mobile ring 3 times. I dint look at it as I am very much sure that it’s Raghav. During the 4th time, I just picked it up.
“Raghav. I told you I am working on it. Please give me some time.”
I dint hear any voice from the other side and so I just spoke again.
“Nandini?” – I just said this word and looked at the mobile for caller ID and its Nandini.
“Nandini. Tell me. Sorry dear. I thought it was my TL and so just spoke like that.”
“Okay Prudhvi. That’s fine.”
“So, tell me. What’s up Nandini?”
“Prudhvi. I just heard that Shreya and Preetham decided to go for registered marriage sometime within a week.”
“I am not 100% sure Prudhvi. But then I just got his info.”
“Okay Okay. I will call you back once I am done with this Nandini.”
That particular moment seemed so different than my regular Friday evenings. Backup issue, team lead calls and now Shreya’s information, everything started irritating me.
As I am trying to solve things, I heard a female voice calling me.
I just turned towards my left to see who that is calling me. Its Vennela.
“Why are you so late?”
“How much more time it will take?”
“Are you fine?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Okay. What do you think then?”
“What happened to you? You were not talking from 2 weeks. No messages and also not replying to my messages?”
I was in such an irritated mood at that particular moment and then when Vennela came and talked that way as if I was the one who never replies and keeps her waiting, I got little more frustrated.
“Some problem with my mobile, I am not getting messages.”
To my luck, as soon as I said this to her, my mobile started beeping.
“One New Message.”
Vennela looked at the mobile that was lying on the desk. She looked at me very differently.
“Yes, its working. But then I am purposefully not replying you.”
“Why? What happened?”
“See Vennela. This is the first time I was doing like this in the last one year of our relation. But then you have done this many times. Many times you suddenly stop replying. Many times you made me keep waiting for your messages. Many times you ignored me. Did I ever ask you why are you doing like that?”
“Whenever I send some lines which I write with so much feel on you, you won’t reply. I had to keep waiting for hours and hours and hours. Whenever you go home, I woke up early and will message you asking where you are? Got into bus or not? Reached home or not? But then you won’t reply. And did I ever ask you why are you doing like that? I message you thinking that you will get bored travelling alone and so I will think to give you company through conversations. But then you suddenly won’t reply and I had to keep on waiting. Early morning when you will be returning Pune from Mumbai, I also will get up early and will message you whether you are coming or not, got into train or not. That time also you either won’t reply at all or you will suddenly stop replying. Did I ever ask reason for that? Not just that, many times you stop replying in the middle of conversation. Did I ever ask you that? Do you know how much it hurts and how much it pains? But then I have never asked you. I just used to bare that pain inside me. I am afraid that if I ask you what will be your reaction and also I am afraid that I may lose your relation. See Vennela. I have never forced you to do anything. I never asked you for anything also. Just one smile whenever I see you and just a reply whenever I message you. That’s it. I am not saying you have to keep on conversation with me or you have to give explanation to me whenever you are not replying. All I need is a message that says I will not be able to converse now. Will talk to you later or will text you later. Something like this is enough for me Vennela and then I won’t disturb you until I hear from you. Why don’t you understand this Vennela. I cannot bare the pain anymore. I cannot wait anymore.”
I don’t know why I got busted out that day. All these months I was keeping everything inside me and bearing the pain but then that day I just broke out. I was looking at her waiting for her reactions. I know I almost damaged the whole relation but then I cannot keep this in me anymore. After few seconds, I saw change in expressions in Vennela’s face. I started getting more worried about her reaction now. What if she will stop talking to me once and for all? What if she says who am I to explain things to me? What if she will leave me permanently?
These entire questions were running in mind and waiting for her reaction.
@ “The day you speak out your love, you may get a relation. But the day you speak out your anger, you will definitely lose it.” –Mr. Venky Bond