Feelings

“Silent LOVE…” – $25 – #4

/ Mr. Venky Bond / 21 Comments

 

“Don’t be foolish Prudhvi. Without telling her how will she understand you?” – Nandini.

“Wait Nandini.  Prudhvi. Just tell me one thing. Do you love her?” – Suchi.

“Suchi. I don’t know how to explain you. Don’t just name it as Love. She is so very special to me. I like her smile a lot, I care for her and I love doing anything for her. But, I don’t want to put a name for it and call it as love. Its not just love, its something beyond that. Its something more special than love. Every relation has love in it, every relation has care in it, every relation has trust in it. But then I don’t understand one thing. When a relation happens between a girl and a boy during this age period, people name it love. My relation with Vennela is not just that, it’s a very special feel I have towards her and if you ask me to name that, I cannot explain and I don’t have a name for that. It’s a relation, just a relation between two people that has care, happiness, trust and even love. But that is love is towards the things I do for her. That’s it. Just because the relation is between two people who are of opposite gender, I don’t want to send a projection that its love. ”

“Okay Prudhvi I understand. Answer my one last question. Do you want to marry her?”

I remained silent the moment she asked me that question.

“Prudhvi. Answer my question. You don’t have time. You have to catch flight. And I don’t want to break this here. I want to make everything clear before you fly.”

“Suchi. To be frank, I never ever got those kind of thoughts in my mind towards her. And also marriage is a relation that is not just between two people, it is between two families, two worlds. Marriage changes many things, I don’t want to put Vennela in any kind of trouble. Also I don’t know what are her opinions and thoughts towards marriage. May be that’s the reason in these 2 years, I never had thoughts in that direction and also I don’t want to walk in that path as I don’t like to break the little relation that I have with her. Let me not even think in that way. The one and only dream I have is that Vennela should understand me completely, feel what I feel, think how I think and should consider me as one special and most important person in her life. That’s it Suchi. Nothing else.”

The moment I said those words, the expressions in Nandini’s and Suchi’s face started changing.

“Prudhvi. I don’t know whether to feel proud of you or whether to cry for what you are running through. The moment I heard about that diary, I thought you are in love with that girl and I felt happy that at last you started getting towards marrying someone. But now after hearing everything you told, I really don’t know what to speak. I am really proud of one thing in you. As like every guy, you dint say that its love and you want to propose her. Your words and thoughts are so matured that you began to understand the difference liking someone and marrying someone. I am very happy that you dint trouble a girl proposing her or running back of her.”

“Prudhvi. But one thing I want to tell you. I don’t know how much you will miss her when you fly away to Australia. As I know about you very much from last 3 years and also I know how well you take care of people, she will really start feeling like missing you when you are not with her. I am very much sure about this.” – Nandini.

“I don’t think so Nandini. If it should happen, I think it should have happened by this time. May be there is a mistake in me. May be she is feeling like I am troubling her, may be I am not able to convey my feelings properly to her.”

“You never tried explaining your feelings to her?”

“Whenever I feel happy, I used to express her that I am happy because of her. But, whenever I got hurt, I never used to tell her because I am afraid that I may show it as anger on her. I may have rights to make her smile and care for her. But, I never have rights to trouble her or become angry on her.  And so I have decided to not to trouble her any more. In these two years, I made her smile many times, I cared for her. Now all of a sudden I cannot show my anger on her just because she is not replying me and so I have decided to not to trouble her any more. All I ever wanted is that the smile on her face should remain forever. That is the only thing that runs in my mind.”

“Prudhvi. I am confident on whatever decisions you take. I know that you will do everything after thinking from all the corners. I wont speak anything on this. Do whatever you feel like to do. But the only thing I want you to remember is that we are there for you to share your feelings. You don’t need to express your feelings with the papers in diary.”

(The reason I started writing everything in diary about Vennela is that I need someone to express my feelings and share my thoughts on Vennela. I cannot do it with anyone as I don’t want to send any kind of wrong projections and also I don’t want Vennela name to be out and so I started putting everything in diary. Suchi understood this and so she said that she is there to share things and I don’t need pages of diary.)

That is the first day and the first time I spoke about Vennela with someone apart from my heart and diary. After the discussion is over, Suchi took me took me towards her and made me sleep on her lap. For the second time in life, I had tears from my eyes.

“Suchi. How come you understand everything so easily about me?”

“I am your Mom Prudhvi. How can you hide things from me? I still doubt on you. Don’t you really have feelings towards her?”

“Yes Mom. It’s true. Its just a relation. I don’t have any thoughts like marriage and all. But the only thing that hurts me most is that, I was able to gain the trust of a HR and get a job in top IT firm, I was able to gain the trust of a Manager and get promoted, I was able to gain the trust of clients and grab an onsite opportunity so soon. But then I failed to gain the trust of a girl completely. I just asked her for one dinner with me and she never came out for that.”

“Prudhvi. Girls cannot express things easily. And also its not that easy to understand a girl. You never know what she is running through and the circumstances she is in. May be even she is also having the same feelings on you but is afraid to express thinking that you may take it in a wrong way or may be she is afraid of the people around. If you think she dint feel you, just wait and see. As like Nandini said, she may start feeling that once you are not here. These 18 months just concentrate on your work and start enjoying there. As like you said, wait for the day to come. Hope for the best.”

“Mom…”

“What Prudhvi.?”

“I love you mom.”

“Love you too Prudhvi. Come get up. Get inside. Go through the check-in process and call us. We will be here till you finish that process.”

(I don’t know why but I felt completely relaxed after I spoke out everything that I was hiding inside me from last two years. My heart became lite. Even though there is a little pain that I cannot meet or see Vennela for next 18 months, I am happy that I shared it with Suchi with whom I never hide anything.)

(18 months later)

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Part #5: The final part of the climax episode will be out in next 4 hours.

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“Silent LOVE…” – $12

/ Mr. Venky Bond / 1 Comment

She is wearing a light green colored dress and looked so beautiful to my eyes. I wrote few lines on her and sent it to her.

That was the first time I have sent a poem to her. I was so tensed about her reaction. After 2 hours of waiting, she replied.

“Wow nice. You write poems?”

I just replied. “Yes. Little bit.”

“It’s really nice. I actually like poetic expressions.”

“Really? Good. Thank you so much Vennela. Then you will like my poems more.”

“Why so?”

“Because most of them I will be writing for you and on you.”

“Hmmmm.”

The few words that I hate most in conversations are “Hmmm”, “K”, “S” and words like that. It is because I never understand the exact meaning behind those replies.

When she replied “Hmmm.”, I did not know how to take it. Whether it’s like she misunderstood me or is it like she said yes for what I said. Whatever it may be, my intention is to convey her that she is the inspiration behind some of the poems which I am writing.

As days passed on, our relation started getting stronger from my end. Our conversations increased. It’s been almost 8 months that we started conversing. But, we never talked in phone till today. Even in office, we used to talk very less number of times. I used to be little scared and little shy to go to her and talk directly. But then I used to message her every now and then.

During these 8 months, sometimes she never used to reply for 2 or 3 days and sometimes even a week. But then I never got anger on her. I don’t know the reason behind it but one thing is true. Every time when she replies I used to feel happy that she replied to me and whenever she dint reply, I just use to say myself that she don’t know me completely and I just sent her a message getting her number without her notice. But, still she accepted it and started conversing with me. She doesn’t need to reply me and she don’t need to accept me. But then she did that and I should be thankful for that instead of thinking why she is not replying sometimes.

Frankly speaking, it used to hurt me a bit somewhere inside deep in my heart. But then I don’t have any other choice other than controlling and keeping it to myself. I cannot ask why she is not replying or I can never force her to reply me frequently. All I have to do is to just send a message and wait for her reply and that is what I am doing from last 10 months.

As days were moving, I understood one thing that. We can never force someone to be with us or talk with us. All we can do is to give time for them and just take it when they did it instead of trying to make them do things on force. I can ask her directly why is she not replying to my messages sometimes. But, according to me, that’s not a perfect way as it may inject a thought in her like why should she first of all reply me or talk to me. And if that kind of thought occurs in her mind, then I can never set the things back on track and so just used to wait for her no matter how long the waiting time is because I am afraid that if I do anything like that, I may lose what I have with me right now.

The more the happy I am when she looks at me, talks to me or replies me and the more sadden I am when she doesn’t reply.

Whenever she stays late in office, I used to remind her through messages to leave early. Even this I stopped after few times as I am again afraid that she may think that I am trying to control her. There is nothing wrong in caring her. But that care should not be too much such that they fall into uncomfortable zone. I started understanding about relations much better. According to me, when you really like or care someone, you have to let them be free like a bird in the nest and should not make them feel like a bird in the cage. Because, a bird in the nest, when given a chance to fly, will always come back to the nest. But the same is not with the bird in the cage. When a bird which is kept in the cage gets a chance to fly. There are very least chances that for it to come back. Being in relation with her, I have learnt a lot on how well we can care someone without hurting them. Doing this way may hurt us sometimes. But, that’s where the real challenge of maintaining a relationship lies in.

Every time whenever I used to receive an award or an appreciation, she used to be one among the priority people with whom I used to share the happiness with. Not just only that, I used to share with her anything I feel important in my life. I gave her lot of room in my life. It’s been almost a year that I first saw her and even till today I dint understand why am I attracted to her and why do I like her so much. I am still searching for answers for my questions.

As it is going this way, one day I have got a very big chance. A chance to see her playing volley ball. Till today I have never seen her doing anything other than work. And today, for the first time I am going to see her doing something that’s not related to work. She is going to be part of a women’s team for internal volley ball championship. That was the day I started liking her more and got attracted to her more. She drove her team so well that they won the game just because of her and she is declared as the Women of the Quarter.

@ “It doesn’t matter how we deal with ourselves. But, it always matters how we deal with others.”-Mr. Bond